Birds Of North America

It's funny how things work out. I was just sitting down to write a short little post about the new Spring stock from local designer Hayley Gibson's line "Birds Of North America" that we just got in, when who comes through our door but none other than Bernie LaRue.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Bernie, he's a regular customer of ours and an avid birdwatcher. He was also one of the head directors at the department of Ornithology at the Museum Of Natural History in New York from 1968 until 1987. So, when he asked what I was doing he got really excited and wanted to show me some pictures of Birds from North America that he had in his scrapbook that he carries around with him for some reason. I figured this would be a great opportunity. so I started rolling my Dictaphone and captured our conversation. For better or for worse, here it is:

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Tyson: OK, Bernie this is the first time I've done something like this. I guess it could be interesting, seeing as your hobby very loosely fits in with the subject of this post.

Bernie LaRue: What do you mean loosely? You're talking about Birds of North America right? That's my field, sonny.

Tyson: Well, yes but it's a clothing line called Birds of North America, I'm not actually.... uh, forget it. What is this first picture you're showing me?

Bernie LaRue: Oh, this is the North American Turd Owl. The reason it's called that is because it is the only animal that gives birth through the anus.

Tyson: Jesus!

Bernie LaRue: Yes, and the young are born with fifteen beaks, so it isn't a pleasant process for the Mother. But don't worry, they shed all of their extra beaks during the first week.

Tyson: Oh, how nice for them. Let's move on....

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Tyson: Good God, what is that?

Bernie LaRue: A very rare carnivorous bird called the Ottawa Tittymunch.

Tyson: What? The Ottawa Tittymunch? You're making this up. I've never heard of this before.

Bernie LaRue: No I'm not! Don't say that! I had one of these birds and they make great pets. But I had to get rid of it.... let's just say they're not good with kids.

Tyson: Wait, what do you mean not good with kids? What happened?

Bernie LaRue: Well, children's small fingers are like, a delicacy for them. And their tender earlobes.....It's like candy!

Tyson: Oh my God! So someone's child was maimed by your bird?

Bernie LaRue: Well not so much maimed, as ..... mumble,mumble.....

Tyson: What? You kind of mumbled there, I didn't catch that last part...

Bernie LaRue: I said, not so much maimed as killed and eaten! Happy now?

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Tyson: OK, so this just looks like a Rooster. Why are you showing me this?

Bernie LaRue: Yeah. This one is kind of boring.

Tyson: Well, why are you showing it to me?

Bernie LaRue: I was thinking of getting one and I wanted a second opinion. My alarm clock is broken.... And I can probably write it off.

Tyson: What? This isn't Looney Tunes. You can't get a rooster when you live in the city. Don't you live a few blocks away from the store? What about your neighbors?

Bernie LaRue: I hate them.

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Tyson: This isn't even real! It's a Skesis from The Jim Henson movie, "The Dark Crystal"!

Bernie LaRue: Who was head at the department for Ornithology in New York, you or me?

Tyson: You, but-

Bernie LaRue: Then shut up, wise guy. I know it's from a movie! One of the greatest documentaries of all time....

Tyson: Documentary?

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Tyson: Where do I even begin with whats wrong here?

Bernie LaRue: What?

Tyson: Well first off, this is a still from "King Kong". Pterodactyls have been extinct for millions of years and I don't even think they are technically bir-

Bernie LaRue: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you were an expert on birds. How stupid of me! Here I thought all along that all you did all day was sit in your little store, being a creep to nice customers like myself-

Tyson: Wait, I'm not a creep, if anyone is being a creep it's you!

Bernie LaRue: Do you want to see the rest of my pictures or not?

Tyson: OK, fine. Please continue.

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Tyson: I think we're done here.

Bernie LaRue: Wait, we're not even at the good stuff yet. I have, like, thirty more pictures to show you!


At this point I just turned the computer off and had to physically force Bernie out of the shop. He was swearing and clutching at anything he could anchor onto but he's pretty old, so it wasn't hard to yank him free.

He threatened to get another Ottawa Tittymunch and have it eat my tender parts, so, Bernie is now banned from HQ for life.

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