Friday, October 10, 2008
Years of training on the mean streets of Winnipeg, finally pay off!
So our friend Garry just had the CRAZIEST morning ever, and is now officially the best room-mate ever, and un-officially a ninja/samurai of sorts. Here's what happened, in Garrys words (it's long, but TOTALLY worth it):
This afternoon, I was lounging in my bedroom, reading super hero comics (you laugh now, but just wait). I hear a knock on the door, but it was sort of muffled, so I assumed it was someone knocking on my neighbour’s door. So like a proper flaneur, I went back to reading comics. Then I heard a key unlocking my door. For real. Then I realized it’s probably the super coming in to fix the buzzer, which we were advised might happen around this time. But then… I hear the tell-tale sound of my roommate Shannon’s computer turn on…
It’s a mac, so you probably know that little sound bite that plays when it boots up. My wtf the level is at like 11 at this point. I jump out of bed, pull on my pants and look around for some sort of weapon or something, just in case shit’s about to get real. Luckily my wooden samurai practice sword is sitting right there… I’ll just mention that I don’t actually practice swordfighting, I just bought this thing because it looked cool… and I bang on the ceiling with it when my idiot neighbours play bad bass guitar at 3am. It’s called a bokken… google image it to know what I’m talking about.
I come out of my room in time to see the door to my apartment slamming shut, and Shannon’s laptop is gone. I run to the hallway, and see some dude exiting the building in a fuckin’ hurry. So I chase his ass. He books it down the block towards de Maisonneuve, and I can see he’s a pretty tall black guy, and he’s fast as shit… and I’m also fuckin’ barefoot. But I keep hauling ass anyway.
I notice the dude is actually slowing down as I’m running after him, so I realize this guy doesn’t know I’m chasing him! probably because i'm ninja silent sans shoes. Motherfucker thinks he’s in the clear. By the time he reaches Maisonneuve, he has slowed to a walk and is just strolling towards the metro. Well, I catch up to him… and eventhough I don’t practice swordfighting, I have easily watched hundreds of samurai movies, and read dozens of books on japan and samurai and martial arts and shit. So I pretty much channelled all that into one hell of a thief smiting blow. I even yelled super loud, which in retrospect is so fucking funny. Anyway, I bash him in the head, and he goes down like a ton of bricks. The sword actually broke on dude’s head, and I feel no remorse whatsoever about it.
So now the guy is on the ground, and I’m a little freaked, because he’s way bigger than I am, and if he went hulkamania on me, it’d be close. But all of sudden I’m T.J. Hooker to the max. I think I even may have yelled ‘freeze!’ but I’m not admitting to that in court. But I got the gist across to him that I was taking the computer back, so he opens his back pack and hands it over. I’m screaming at him, asking him how he had a key to my apartment, and he keeps saying “I’ll tell you!”, but then he jumps up and books it down the street.
You’re probably thinking this is the climax of the story… nope. An stm worker has seen the whole thing, and is calling in the real 5-0, which is rad. At this point all he knows is that he just saw a barefooted round-eye with a wooden sword take out some random dude minding his own business. But the dude can tell I’m probably okay because I’m not fleeing the scene. So yeah, we chase the perp into the metro, and the stm guy tries to corner him on the platform, but I guess he’s not allowed to restrain him physically, because all he’s doing is standing there sort of doing the YMCA dance and trying to block the guy from running away. Needless to say, the guy deeks him out and starts running down the platform towards me. I’m between him and escape, but I think he’s kind of out of it because he doesn’t seem to know that I’m the guy who just bonked him in the dome. I still have Shannon’s computer in my one hand, so I grab him one arm style, wrestle him to the ground, all the while he’s yelling “you bastard!” which sort of makes me chuckle, but I manage to keep a good grip on the dude… until his shirt rips off! Or at least a huge piece of it. At that point, I’m like… fuck this, I’m going to end up dropping the computer, so I back off and put my hands up to signify I’m out. So the dude grabs his backpack, and glasses (which fell off his stupid face) and starts running… towards the TRACKS! He must have been concussed, because he didn’t realize what the fuck he was doing until it was too late… he teetered on the edge of the platform forevs, but eventually fell onto the tracks. Seriously… onto the tracks. As he fell, everyone who was watching the melee (and not helping, I might add) screamed blue murder. I vividly remember the stm worker looking away as he fell, I assume to avoid having to see this guy fry, Beat Street style. But the guy didn’t get zapped! He fell with his body across all the rails and runners in the middle of the tracks, but just got up… he then fell AGAIN onto the tracks next to the opposite platform and still no shock. He climbed onto the platform, was up the stairs and on the street in seconds, running like hell. Me and my new stm bff chase him a bit, but the guy has that adrenaline you only get from thinking you’re about to die, and then don't. He gets away, and the cops show up to take my statement and stuff. The computer was undamaged and I still have my ½ samurai sword, so all in all, it wasn’t so bad. Fucked up way to start your day though.
I really want to get the stm video camera footage... because it must have looked bonkers.
So as you can see Garry is now obviously some sort of Batman-esque hero. Dishing out vigilante justice fueled by Diet Coke, he will be keeping our streets safe by pushing people onto the metro... or something similar.